Regretting Becoming A Working Mom.

When my husband and I just moved to our home I was still pregnant in my last trimester. Once my son was born I decided that I was going to be a SAHM (stay at home mom) And at the time it was the best decision ever. My husband had a decent job near the house and his hours were good. He would be home around 3-4pm and I would even take nice walks to his job with my son to go pick him up and we’d walk back home together. As the years went by my husband found a new job but it was a little further where I wasn’t able to take those walks anymore, things were still pretty decent and he  came home good hours. My son got a little older and I placed him in childcare across from my house so I can have some mommy time and I was interested in finding work.  I was getting depressed being in the house everyday and not bringing in any money to help support and my husband wasn’t really able to give me some money. I wanted to be independent and be able to go out when I want and not have to ask for anything. Years went by and I finally got a job at his daycare but they had relocated so we had to travel to it.

Things were still good but then my husband found another job that paid way better but now he’s much further and the hours suck. He gets home around 12am! I became pregnant with my daughter as my son was aging out of the childcare and starting preschool that fall. As my due date got closer I went on maternity leave in April and had my daughter in the middle of May. I thought she’d be in a childcare soon so I could go back to work but things didn’t go as planned. (that’s life for ya) My job didn’t give me a deadline to when to return but because my boss didn’t communicate with me I ended up having to be let go (but that’s another story) Months went by and I got a call back for the job that i’m currently at now and it’s full time with great benefits. Now I have my neighbor taking my son to school and picking him up, watching him until I return home which is usually by 6:30pm and she watches my daughter as well…

I appreciate everything she’s doing for me but my son has been doing things that he hasn’t use to and not in a good way. He’s dropped the F bomb a few times and my son said my neighbor say’s it but when I spoke with her she said the kids outside says it when she lets my son and her kids go play… I know she says it. And also every time I pick him up from school his pull-up is wet or he peed his pants. I’m in the process of potty training so he wears underwear all day at school and then his teachers put him in pull-ups to travel home in… I know my neighbor keeps him in pull-ups until I return… The same pull-up the teacher puts him in… Mind you he gets out of school at 3:10.. I get him 6:30. I spoke to her about it and she mentioned she has her son take him… Her son is 9 years old, my son needs an ADULT to put him on the potty because he will not listen to a child!

I’m just so frustrated. I wish I could be a SAHM but I can’t because then I’d have to depend on my husband and I really don’t want to, I’m to independent. And having my own money made things a little easier to go out and take the kids out as well. I was thinking about becoming part time but I’m not sure how that would work out. I wish I could spend more time with my kids like the in the past. I’m in the process of searching for after school programs for my son and day cares for my daughter. Ugh.

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Being An Introvert Mom.

So yea…

I’m that mom who doesn’t really do a lot of social events, I don’t really like attention at the play ground when my son makes a new friend and their parent starts talking to me. Don’t get me wrong i’ll do it for my baby but I don’t really enjoy doing so. I love to stay to myself, Even at work I enjoy being to myself but I’ll do a little small talk if the person starts up a conversation. I really want to work on my confidence and speaking up more but I figured this is who I am and it’s ok. I sometimes even think about getting a new job that’ll have me more to myself as well, right now I work at a childcare and there you have to be very social. I enjoy working with the kids… It’s just the parents at times that’ll get me.

I love when I get to be home and have me time, which is writing, listening to jazz instrumental, drinking hot tea, reading a good book or even just a nice hot shower with just me and my thoughts! I was always this way, When I was in middle school I was to myself a lot to the point I never would raise my hand to answer a question and I could stay quiet the whole entire day until I got home in my comfort zone. Now that i’m older I’ve gotten better with speaking more due to being a grown women and all. If I could go a day without speaking to anyone at work I’d do so. But deep down I do want to make some friends and get to know new people. I’m tired of being known as the shy girl and missing opportunities. So i’m working on confidence and I don’t expect it to happen over night, it’s going to take a while.

When it comes time to throw parties for my son I absolutely love it! Then a few hours into the party i’m ready to crawl up into my bed and get away from everyone. I enjoy being around family I really do, but sometimes I get those moments when I just need to be alone to recharge, Get myself back together if you know what I mean. I realized I tend to become irritated if there’s to much going on around me and I haven’t got to have any me time to recharge. Even when it comes to my husband I get all shy with certain things we do, I can’t help it but my husband thinks it’s cute. haha! Other than being an introvert and enjoying being alone  I still enjoy spending time with my family and going out once and a while without the kids. But after all the fun I’m ready to get right back to my moments being alone and having me time.

 

 

 

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Being The Favorite Parent

This is a blessing and a curse all at once.

I am the favorite parent with my son, anything and everything is “Mommy, mom, ma, mama, mommy!” Even when daddy is sitting right next to him. He needs me to help him with something. He needs me to tuck him in bed at night and he wakes me up every morning even when i’m on the other side of the bed and you have to walk across the room just to get to me when his father is right by the door. Now being a favorite parent is cute and all it has its moments when its sweet I guess. The child prefers being around you other than the other parent. But when you’re ready for a break and your husband is around to make sure you get one… It’s almost impossible because my son some how makes his way to me anyway! I don’t know how he became this way but I’ve heard about boys being mama boys. I just wasn’t expecting it to be like this! I have a daughter now whose 8 months and my husband wants her to be the way my son is with me. But with him instead. (Be careful what you wish for) I have to admit I sometimes feel like my son being this way towards me has made my husband feel jealous at times. He hasn’t said anything about it but facial expressions says enough. But he definitely takes advantage of this sometimes and it erks my nerves.

For example early mornings my son runs to me to get me out of bed and there my husband sleeps, he sleeps even when we both had long nights. He does give me some days when I can sleep in but sometimes it just doesn’t feel like he gives me enough of those days! A mama could use more. And we’re both working parents except he goes to work at 3pm and gets home around 12am! Where I get off at 6pm or even 5:30pm. I told him his hours sucked and when I was a SAHM with my son that could be why he favors me because i’m around him more. And I have a feeling that will happen with my daughter as well. Especially if he’s still working those hours. He needs to bond with them and he does but not as much as I do. Now don’t get me wrong I am not bashing my husband he is a great man, a great husband and an amazing father! I’m just giving my opinion and I did talk to him about my thoughts as well and he agrees.

I wish I could give him my energy when it comes time for him to be around the kids in the morning. Once i’m up i’m up! And it could be 7:45am or 8am. I’d be tired but let me put on some of my jazz music or watch my favorite Youtuber’s I have enough energy to put my son on the potty, change my daughters diaper, open the blinds to let some sunlight in, make them breakfast and set the living room up with some toys. (Even though my son enjoys doing that part) When my husband wakes up with the kids he’s usually asleep on the couch while my daughter is in the bouncer and my son is playing with his toys and the living room is dark. It’s depressing waking up to that at least open some blinds. I love sunlight it wakes me up even more. I just wish he had more energy with the kids in the morning. I feel bad for my little ones and end up  getting up early anyway to make things better for them. Even though they probably don’t even care, Again my husband is a great man he’s just lazy in the morning and it sucks to be honest.

My son is such a mommy’s boy that he even defends me when my husband and I play fight or have a silly argument (not really arguing) my son would run from his bedroom to where ever we are in the house and all you’ll hear is his little foot steps and he’ll come and smack his father in the butt and scream “Stop it daddy!” It’s to funny. He always has my back and my husband say’s he hopes my daughter has his. Mommy and son against father and daughter I can’t wait to see what the future hold. It might just be brother vs sister most of the time !

Oh boy.

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Potty Training Nightmare

Ah the f**king potty training stage. I hate it so much!

My kid just turned 3 two months ago and he’s still not potty trained. It seems like we’re almost there but then there he goes pooping in his pull-up when it’s time for bed. It boils my blood because I feel like I’ve been working on this for ever now! I’ve been working on this before his 3rd birthday. And he doesn’t wear pull-ups throughout the day, he’s always in underwear even at school and so far no accidents. But when it’s time for bed I’d throw on a pull-up well because I expect him to use the bathroom in his sleep of course. But he’s awake laying in bed and just poops on himself. I have a 7 month old going on 8 next week and I feel like that could be the reason he’s taking so long to get it together. It seems he’s trying to go backwards or still get babied. I’ll still baby him here and there but let him know he is a big brother now and he’s a big boy who needs to use the big potty. I also have him help me with the baby hoping that will help him see that he’s a big boy now that can help.

I’m so stressed with this potty training and I know i’m not the only one going through this right now but I really don’t want to be buying anymore pull-ups and I told my husband after all these pull-ups run out that’s it no more. But then I remembered bedtime we need some. So a small pack and that’s it. Sometimes he’d still give me a hard time when it’s time to use the potty, he’d throw himself on the floor and scream “No, I don’t want to go to the potty!”  he makes me want to pull my hair out. Then you have those that has their comments about how he should already be potty trained. How about you mind your damn business and worry about your own life, If you don’t have to deal with it I don’t want to hear it. Simple.

Oh he’ll go when he’s ready. Ok, Ok I know a lot of people have heard others tell them this but what mom really wants to hear that blabber? Um not I. I feel like my son is being stubborn because he knows were poo poo and pee pee goes. He’ll even say so himself “pee pee in the potty, poo poo in the potty” and he’ll freaking point to the toilet. So does he or does he not get it? Or is he just being stubborn? Is it because of the new baby? I make sure to still give him a lot of attention as well. I don’t know but throughout the day he does well with the potty IF I make him go, he doesn’t really go on his own but even then I’ll tell him i’m proud of him and give him a sticker or let him put a stick on his sticker chart. He get’s excited about the stickers but that still doesn’t motivate him to go use the potty on his own which drives me insane!!!

I love this boy sooo much I just wish there was a cheat way to get him to use the darn toilet on his own!! UGH

sincerely

A struggling mom.

Childhood Ruined My Confidence Today

Don’t get me wrong I had an AMAZING childhood to the point sometimes I wish I can look at a photo and go back to that moment for a few hours.

Now when it came to middle school to be exact, I was always bullied for no reason. I was the quiet shy girl that never started anything nor wanted to be apart of anything I just wanted to be by my lonesome. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. Girls would talk about my height which is tall and being skinny. That word makes me cringe bad. They also made comments about how I was flat chested… This is middle school and I was 12… Back then I thought I was suppose to have a big butt, big boobs and a boyfriend thanks to my classmates.

Now that I’m older I laugh at those who made their comments and call them little fast a**. When I finally had a boyfriend, girls would go to him (specifically one) and ask him why he’s with me when I don’t even have boobs. My boyfriend is now my husband we’ve been together for 10 years going on 11 this year. And married for 3 going on 4. I’m so happy he didn’t see me for one thing, an object. The teasing been going on for a while to the point I didn’t even want to go to school anymore, and I missed a lot of days and still ended up graduating and going to high school… Which was WAYYY better surprisingly.

Today I still have my moments when I become unhappy with how I look, I feel unpretty. I hate my boobs and wish I gained a little bit of weight. And you know what it’s so crazy how that can stick with a person for the rest of their lives. I’m getting better as the days go. This year I decided to focus more on myself, especially with self love. Watching my kids grow I tell myself to always remind them how much they are worth! Remind them how beautiful they are no matter what anyone else says! They are beautiful, bright and smart. They are amazing and not to forget it. I will make sure they remember that. Kids can be so cruel and it’s sad. Especially when it’ll impact how they see themselves in the future.

The Distant Friend

I made a best friend over these 3 years and I don’t know what happened. We use to write each other every single day and see how the other was doing. We’d go to each other houses sing karaoke, play games, blast music and dance, have some wine and listen to music. Vent when our husbands get on our nerves (they’re brothers) We would always vent to one another and tell each other everything. . . She was like a sister., she was a sister, is a sister she’s my sis in law. But once she moved an hour away with her family things began to change. She didn’t reach out as much, and even though I realized she slowed down I continued to reach out and see how she was doing, I would try my very best to keep our friendship going to keep our friendship strong. For a year now it was the same, me messaging her but she hardly reached out to me anymore. I understand we both have our own lives to live but I still take sometime to reach out and it doesn’t have to be every day. I felt unwanted, I started to feel like I was being annoying. Why was I still trying? Why?… I’ll tell you why. I’ve lost so many good friends over small things and she was really the only friend I had left and I was trying to make it last.  We both have beautiful kids who were best friends (close cousins, they practically grew up together)  her daughter would always ask about my son and vice versa. I miss our friendship so much it hurts and I get so upset feeling this way.. Her husband once told her I was spoiled and needed the attention the first time we kind of got into it, he means well and I understand he didn’t mean it in a mean way. But it stuck to me, so here I am feeling like a spoiled brat wanting my friend to communicate with me, to reach out to me, to see how i’m doing, to tag me in Facebook when she see’s things that reminds her of me or us! Every single time I invite her out there’s always an excuse as to why she can’t go. Even when my husband and I invite them over for the weekend her and her husband seems to always have a reason as to why they can’t come over. I brought it to her attention recently how I felt about the changes that was happening in our friendship (funny she just texted me, it’s been a while) but when I spoke to her she basically blamed her husband for her being M.I.A she say’s she wants to hang out but her husband never wants her to spend money getting on the train to travel to where I live. Mind you my papa travels up to where I live every weekend cause he lives in the same area as well, as a weekend home and he offered to bring them up for free but they still never come. She mentioned how her husband never wants to do anything and to be honest I see that and so does my husband. But you can still reach out to me… We don’t have to always be hanging out but show me attention at least show me that you still want to keep a friendship! Sorry if I sound spoiled i’m not trying to but I lost a lot of friends over bull crap and I don’t want to lose another for what ever reason. And if I did something that bothered you say that. Don’t leave me in the dark not knowing why you gone M.I.A and of course I’d think something is wrong if you’re always avoiding me when it’s time to hang out… But anyway let me end this now and write her back. Hopefully we can get back on regular terms but if not then so be it cause I’m done forcing friendships.

The IT girl

So, I’ve decided to make this into a public diary,

Random

I remember when I use to look up to this girl on my Facebook page, she seemed like she had it all together, the job, being engaged and her own apartment then she fell pregnant with her first son. I wanted her life so badly with my husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) She always posted about her next move and what she was doing at the time. She posted everything. I would become a little jealous seeing her success but I would never wish on her downfall I just wanted to be successful as well. Finally my husband had proposed to me, I became pregnant with my first son and we moved into a condo! Then we got married and we got married before she even did. (no competition, I was just shock she didn’t get married yet since she always wrote about how it was going to happen soon) And now in present time i’m a mom of two! And I love it. She’s a mom of two as well now but she’s no longer with her husband. (yes she did end up getting married later on) She has a new boyfriend now and she still shares a lot of things on Facebook but now that i’m a little more older and much more mature I realize she’s always, always, Always. Putting others down when she’s bringing herself up. She’s always bragging about what she’s doing, what she got, what’s her next move and she calls it CONFIDENCE but it’s not… It’s straight up CONCEITED. It’s one thing to be confident and happy about where you’re at in life. But it’s another thing when you’re always bragging about it and while doing it you put others down. I come to think she’s low key miserable. I’m happy I grew out of that phase a long time ago looking up to her cause I don’t want to be that kind of person. I love where i’m at in life and I hope everyone else does to and if they don’t I hope they’re able to fix that soon.

Changes Are Coming.

I know it’s been a while… but it doesn’t seem as anyone comes to my post anyway..That’s ok.

I decided to come back because I still have a passion for writing (even though I am no pro) I might continue on this blog and see what happens. Maybe if I continue to be consistent. I haven’t really been wanting to talk much about mom stuff anymore, or at least all the time. I have other things I need to discuss such as confidence, growing apart from friends and just not giving a rats ass anymore. It’s 2019 and my goal for this year to is work on myself. Self love, build confidence, being blunt when needed and leaving people in 2018 that I feel doesn’t deserve my attention anymore due to not giving me the same attention I gave. Friendships are suppose to be 50/50 not a one way street. It’s sad honestly when you’re always losing friends over stupid reasons, it could be jealousy, out growing one another, moving further away from each other. There’s plenty of reasons.

I started a new job in October working with kids. I enjoy it and I’ve always wanted to be a teacher ever since I was a child. I’d gather all my teddy bears and play school with them, I’d give them blank pieces of papers for class work and toss the bears into the living room when they’re not “behaving” cute huh. Now here I am working in a real classroom with real children. I love it even though there are days when things get tough. I’m finally making new friends as well (associates I guess is a better word for now). Slowly but surely, I’m an introvert so it takes time.

I’m a mom of two also! I had my baby girl May 22nd 2018 I love being a mom as well, even though it can become tiring and I can become lazy but that’s another story.

Working on myself this year is going to be tough but i’m going to push myself through it. I need to work on myself mentally and physically..

Changes are coming.

 

 

 

Public Tantrums!

Ooh boy! The public tantrums can be the worse ! My son would scream even louder outside than he does inside when we’re alone… Or could it be because we’re around people I feel like it’s much more dramatic. (Grab some popcorn everybody my son is putting on a public show!) When I was new to it all, his tantrums were a bit embarrassing I would worry about what others thought. I would think everyone was judging me, I would feel like a bad parent for him screaming his head off  and being young made it worse. Now I’m more confident when he cries or put on a show for the public I know that it is completely normal for a child to do this and if anyone says something negative about it would hear my mouth haha. I know that my son is okay and is just acting out because I’m not giving him what he wants.

Here’s a few ways I calm him down when he acts out.

  1. Sing Songs! My son absolutely love singing he would stop what he’s doing to join in!
  2. Distract him! When we’re on the bus, train, doctor’s office I turn on Youtube and play his favorite videos. Or let him play his little games
  3. Take him out the stroller to run around
  4.  Read a book!

All kids are different and some of these may not work for your child but my best advice is to try and distract them from what ever they’re crying about. Take a deep breath (or at least try to) and figure out a way to turn their attention on something else. Yes, yes it’s easier said then done… sorry for that. But you can do it!

 

 

 

 

Finally Got A Taste Of Girls Night.

Ahh finally….  FINALLY!

It has finally happened.. I went out on a girls night and it was absolutely very much needed. I don’t remember the last time I actually went to hang out with another female. Like actually went out without my husband LOL (sorry honey I still love you lots) But it was really fun. The whole night felt unreal, like a dream I just wasn’t rushing for to come to an end. We went out to eat and then hit a lounge, had a few drinks and danced. It was great and I’m already craving for another night like this.

This night really felt like everything, it was like medicine for my mind. I needed time to get away from my little family before I ripped all my hair out of my head, I think all moms needs a night out to hang with her girlfriends or girlfriend I think it’s healthy. Not only for mothers but fathers as well. I’m pretty sure our children needs small breaks from us as well haha whether it’s going in their room without you or going to daycare or even if it’s just them going to their gram grams house….. It could even be a day in the park with you, but getting out of the house is best. I feel like negative energy gets trapped in the house. Negative as in being stressed, tired, frustrated. That energy spreads and your little one can sense it. So get out the house with them. Get some fresh air.